#and that it's really bad and that i need to go on antidepressants

[mummer]

its really awesummmmm to have body image problems in the world that we live in even trying to “eat healthily” always feels like subjecting myself to a disordered form of eating somehow because my palate is so rectricted already but when i just eat normal stuff that i enjoy like fucking TOAST i start feeling like im going to be killed badly and i overthink every meal choice i make and the amount of ambient Food Noise in my brain at all times is so overwhelming it makes me sick esp when all my “body positive” friends and family are always talking about diet this and diet that and protein shakes and what have you because it’s so insanely normal to do so and my algorithm wont stop showing me healthy cooking videos and talking about protein every meal, diet matters more than exercise, carb replacements tofu pancakes shut up SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!!!!! FUCKK

[elipoms]

i really do need help if every day when something mildly bad happens the screaming resounding of "SOMETHINGS GOT TO GIVE" hits me over the head and boom maladaptive coping mechanism

[a-lonely-dunedain]

44 for tossdir and ethedis?

“I… I think I need a hug.”

Tossdir’s voice hung still in the cold air. Ethedis hadn’t expected to hear those words from the young ranger who had been so closed off ever since their meeting. Indeed, he sometimes acted as if he wished they were not traveling together at all, as Ethedis’ jovial attitude seemed grating to him. She recalls him mentioning something of his annoyance at Elrond’s insistence that he not come to the Misty Mountains alone, that he could handle himself and did not need a ‘babysitter’ – as if hunting a Nazgul and a Gaunt-Lord were tasks he thought anyone should be doing alone.

Still, she did not begrudge him for it. Before they left for the Misty Mountains Elrond told her that Tossdir had lost some people very important to him recently, and while he would not go into the specifics of what had befallen Tossdir –for it was not his story to tell– he told her to be patient with him. She had spoken briefly to his friend Galasebdir before they left, and he told her much the same, and that his demeanor was normally never this dour. He was still grieving, and not altogether himself. 

Yet here he was, sincere and vulnerable, sheepishly asking for a hug the same way a child might after waking from a nightmare.

She turned around and looked at him curiously, though he could not meet her gaze. This might have been a time where she could crack a smart remark at his expense, to point out that he had been doing nothing but pushing her away for this whole adventure, and now has the audacity to ask for a hug– but she doesn't. Elrond told her to be patient with him, and so she was.

Instead, without a word, she takes a single step closer and swiftly wraps her arms around him, as tight as she can. He flinches, as if he did not expect her to actually oblige him. He is tense for a long moment, but finally returns the embrace with shaking hands. 

Ethedis thinks he might be crying, but decides to allow him the dignity of pretending she doesn't notice.

[crazynerdandproud]

Leverage: The 12 Step Job

I’m not sure how I feel about Sophie implying Parker will be better without taking antidepressants. It just feels….kinda dirty

[dagasinfilo]

idk if it’s adhd or some other brain thing or what the fuck it is but my mind literally feels like a prison and i do not know what else to do to break out <3

[oats-enthusiast]

Healing is such bullshit, you'll be feeling absolutely awful and then have to remind yourself that even like this, you're doing much better than you were this time last year, like okay but when do I just feel normal again

[sparkbugs]

Very important!! Take care of yourself and do what’s best for you <3

taking medication for your mental health isn’t weak, if anything it’s strong that you’re making the leap to better yourself. remember that. you’re not struggling with your mental health, it’s struggling with you - you’ve got this gamers, always!

[evandore]

me when im normal

[fastafeijoa]

Headcanons on Harley! And a lil sketch too

•Extremely self-condident. Absolutely sure whatever goes wrong with experiments isn't his fault. It's not necessarily someone else's fault either, it could be just a natural part of progress.

•British, moved to the US with his parents when he was little. They had sort of a small British community there so he didn't pick up American pronunciation.

•Asexual Also believes romance is like a "low quality drug for the soft, spineless people who seek only primitive pleasure and have no idea of their place in life". But! If he grew up a little less love-deprived, he'd be homoromantic. Dude likes men. Specifically, just one man. In several AUs with my wife he's in very close, warm platonic relationship with her version of Sawyer. This is the perfect fit for him, literally like a part of himself he was missing.

•Wasn't satisfied with his looks until his early 50s. Sawyer likes long hair on other people and himself but in middle school he got bullied into wearing a short haircut and used to have his hair cut even shorter before starting his work at Playtime Co, not really paying attention to his looks anymore. At the factory though he felt like things were going to change for the better and allowed himself some self-indulgence, letting his hair grow out a little bit. That, along with him gaining weight (which he liked, starting to see himself as beautifully imposing), made him finally pay attention to his looks and consider himself handsome.

•Can lock in and work on something without a single break for hours, often without even changing his position. Him being a surgeon has helped develop this skill a lot. Sometimes he'll even forget he's allowed to, say, scratch his nose, like if he's performing a surgery. Gets immensely overloaded in this state and if anyone bothers him at this time they're a dead person. •Yep he's autistic.

•Used to be genuinely disgusted with tenderness. Like, genuinely. At first when Yarnaby would try to cuddle up to him, lick his hands or just headbump him he felt pathetic and gross and was quick to push him away. Overtime, however, as he realised his mental health could use a little boost and a pet is a good tool for that, he became less disgusted and even started to secretly enjoy it when Yarnaby showed affection towards him.

•Uses cane due to chronic arthritis. It's not always bad so sometimes he doesn't need the cane and walks around carrying it like if about to beat up someone. And sometimes he'll lean on it when he's tired from standing. Also there's a knife hidden in the cane, just in case.

•Visits the local flee market from time to time. Usually just to philosophize and not to buy things: dude's got an inner poet in him and enjoys to dress his life in metaphor while looking at old toys and trinkets. But on occasion he will actually buy something: he got his cane at the flee market.

•6'2 ft tall. Quite menacing.

•Is somewhat paranoid. Definitely has OCD. Won't trust his mental health to anyone but himself though (handles it poorly) and is afraid of taking any kind of sedatives or antidepressants because they "might mess with his unique mind". Ofc he's perfectly aware that can't happen, it's just a hello from his OCD. Yeah, he also won't trust OCD meds because of OCD.

•Had tough childhood with mother who didn't care and father who was overly possessive (hm I sure wonder if Harley inherited that….. hm………)

•Has been feeling so much better than before in his life since the start of the Bigger Bodies Initiative. At times he might be miserable, grumpy, tired or unable to handle his temper, but his project gives him a lot of drive and motivation and quite often he's seen walking around genuinely excited, with a slight sinister grin and proudly straightened back. Among tortured children, scared and exhausted workers and products of brutal experiments he shines with grim joy. This, all of this, is everything he ever wanted.

[livelaughloveluffy]

comfort - roronoa zoro

a/n: i for sure need these headcannons so bad at the moment😭😭 luckily, i should be starting some antidepressants soon!! i'm a bit nervous about it but it's definitely worth the shot, since i have tried literally everything else 😭 anywho, only the fluffiest fluff for now 😭😭😭😭 its all my heart can take

nothing but fluff here 💗

---------------------------------------------------------------------

when he comforts you:

-the green haired swordsman was the type of man to notice something was up before you ever had the chance to say anything about it. while he may not seem like it, he always has his eye on you.. he notices the slightest shifts in your mood, body language, the way you speak, the glimmer in your eyes, he'd never come out and say that.. but he shows up in smaller ways

-he'll spend a lot more time with you. invite you to watch him work out or drink with him under the stars, just making himself more present in your life, he'll never let you really be alone, unless you asked him for that.

-you may have to initiate it.. but the second you looked at zoro with teary eyes asking "can you just hold me for a second?" he'll grab you and pull you into his arms so fast... and he's not letting go anytime soon. his tight muscles enveloping your body, the rhythmic sound of his heart beating against your cheek is a sense of calm you can't experience with anyone other than him... it isn't until you lightly slap his arm with gentle giggles saying "okay.. zo, i can't breathe when you're holding me this tight.." that he loosens his grip on you (the absolute tiniest bit)

-the swordsman isn't the chattiest when it comes to talking through problems, but if you want advice, his straightforward and blunt outlook is surprisingly more helpful than you anticipate at times. zoro doesn't beat around the bush when it comes to his advice, so he'll only tell you if you really want to/are ready to hear it.

-you'll catch him staring at you more often than usual. this man always keeps an eye on you. it's his silent check in.. his casual way of asking "you doing okay?"

-when you're sick, injured, or on your period: while he is mr tough guy ™️, he does not play around with you and your health. he'll grumble and pout when you aren't resting. his typical methods of forcing you to rest (but also still make you feel useful) is to have you lay on his back while he does push ups or dragging you to take naps with him. he doesn't outwardly express his worry but you'll find yourself waking up from naps with his watchful gaze on your face, his brows slightly furrowed, his gruff voice asking "did ya sleep okay? were you comfortable?" and he'll only relax when you reply with your typical soft sleepy smile, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek, whispering "yeah.. im okay... since you're here with me."

when he needs comforting:

-again, zoro isn't the chattiest guy in the world..so you can tell he needs you when he wordlessly pulls you close to him, burying your face into his chiseled chest, his rapid heartbeat sounding off in your ear, one hand tangled into your hair holding you head close to his heart, the other tightly gripped around your waist. the rugged soft murmur in your ear asking "can we stay like this for a bit?"

-one of his favorite ways to unwind is up in the crows nest with a bottle (or ten) of sake, with you by his side. resting your head on his shoulder as you both stargaze with the ambience of the crashing waves beneath you

-the swordsman also loves to throw himself deeper into his training as a distraction.. so he's absolutely thrilled when you one day approach him asking for help improving your fighting techniques and combat maneuvering.. be prepared to work hard though.. he'll train you until the sun goes down, eventually all his worries washing away when he sees the smile of satisfaction on your tired face after finally perfecting what he taught you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

a/n: getting to write this with the soft patters of rain outside my window healed a part of my soul 😭😭 this is truly the quickest and easiest time i've had writing for zoro so hopefully that streak continues 😭😭😭

a/n: enjoyed this fic? here's my masterlist!!

[oimitocat]

MIND ME | HC

txt ot5 (separately) x gn!reader

reacting to reader with dark/trauma humor + implied past suicidal tendencies + implied past trauma + coping with humor + therapy sessions + idol au! + implied eating disorders

a/n: literally fair warning, if you can’t handle it, move on. this is fiction but with real life tendencies.

—HUENING KAI

one day you had to do your therapy session over the phone due to your busy schedule. kai had come in to sit with you as your session was close to an end. the basic “see you next time, call me if you need to chat or have questions” thing goes on and then you hang up.

he’s comfortable in your bed, you crawl in to cuddle with him.

“anything new?” he asks, he’s always so caring, so tender.

“nah.” then you pause, smiling.

“what is it?” he asks, “why are you smiling?”

you shake your head, “just remembered this joke i made to my therapist.”

“a joke?” he asks, curious.

you watch him, smiling at the mess of his hair. “so like, i use to self harm-“ his eyes widen a bit, yet he quickly fixes his expression, “-and so she asked if i still do it and i joked and said ‘no i have alcohol now’…” you sigh, “she didn’t laugh.”

and you bust out laughing when kai purses his lips, unsure if he should cry or find it funny either.

“y/n!”

“kai! i don’t drink! be for real!” you cackle as your cuddle him, easing his worries.

—CHOI BEOMGYU

“y/n, do you want to stay with me and keep practicing?”

“what? you’re saying i suck and need to keep practicing?”

beomgyu gasps, “no! what? i just- well the step we keep messing up! we should practice it!”

“so you’re saying i’m bad at it and you’re covering it by saying we both do? great, another thing i’m bad at.”

“what’s the other thing you’re supposedly bad at!” he argues, smiling at you.

“oh it’s a long list,” you say with a grin.

“as if.”

“no for real,” you pick up your water bottle, back facing his, “killing myself is number one. apparently i’m bad at it.” you shake your head before pausing.

“what?”

“i’m joking,” you say quickly, seeing the worry in his eyes. “beomgyu.”

“ah…” he just watches you, messing with his water bottle. “am i allowed to laugh when you joke like that?”

“if you want, i don’t care. would be preferable.” you pat his back, “let’s practice yeah?”

—KANG TAEHYUN

you were watching people getting their bones popped. it’s crazy what areas can be popped to soothe the body. yet you and taehyun were cringing and laughing.

“oh- ah!” taehyun flinches, watching how they popped someone’s neck.

“dude maybe i should go get my neck snapped.”

“don’t you mean popped?” he asks, smiling at your silliness.

you shake your head, “no. i mean snapped.”

taehyun rolls his eyes, “you wanna die or something?”

“always have.” and you get a smack on the arm, to which you laugh at. he knows your joking, and that makes you feel warm.

—CHOI SOOBIN

literally you love food. sadly the industry makes you develop a decently bad relationship with it sometimes. so, one day you’re eating sweet bread and go- “shit, i’m supposed to be on a diet for our comeback.”

“huh? why?” soobin frowns. “wait, really?”

“it’s okay, i’ll just starve until then, it’ll be like this never happened.”

“y/n, what?”

you glance at him while chewing, “what?”

“why the hell would you starve?” he eyes you, “wait, what does your diet consist of then?”

“coffee and antidepressants.” you joke.

“funny.”

“i know.”

—CHOI YEONJUN

it’s a task. literally, all of you are on a reality show and you have to fill out a questionnaire or something. you’re thinking on this question.

“what’s wrong?” yeonjun asks you while beomgyu and soobin make ruckus about what their answers are.

“i’m not sure what to put.”

“y/n, it’s basic questions.”

“that’s what my therapist said and then i was diagnosed a bunch of stuff.”

“the question is literally what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

“so about that, i don’t remember cus apparently — fun fact, when you experience some sort of trauma as a kid your mind blocks any memory during that age and time. i don’t remember shit,” you whisper. “what am i supposed to put? that my mom beat me with a spoon until i finished my homework?”

he stares at you, unsure what to do with that bomb drop. he knows you cope with humor, hence, “steal one of mine then.”

“bet.”

[firewasabeast]

Bucktommy prompt: Tommy is dealing with chronic pain and Buck helps him through it.

Part 3 of my injured Tommy fic

If Tommy were being honest, there were some positives to being paralyzed. The first time he'd told Evan as much, he'd stared back at him with eyebrows raised and a face that said, “I can't wait to see where this is going.”

So Tommy had gone through the list he'd made in his head.

1. He always got the best parking spots.

2. Little old ladies now helped him in the grocery store.

3. People were constantly opening doors for him.

4. He'd get to board first on a plane... as soon as he and Evan figured out where they were going to go for their honeymoon.

5. Sometimes people let him cut in line.

6. He'd learned how to do some sick ass wheelies!

Buck had laughed along with his list, even adding a few himself.

7. Bigger hotel rooms.

8. Tommy's biceps were larger than Buck thought humanly possible.

9. If Buck got tired of walking, he could just sit on Tommy's lap and get a free ride.

And while these things were all good and true, there were plenty of things that made Tommy's new life far more difficult.

One of which were the body spasms.

He'd been warned about them in the hospital. Had a few of them before he'd been discharged. Learned how to deal with them, for the most part, through physical therapy. He'd also been put on muscle relaxants, sleeping pills, and antidepressants.

Which really only caused more problems, because he spent the better part of a month feeling so doped up that he was asleep more than he was awake.

His doctors changed doses and moved around schedules, trying to find the perfect balance, but Tommy hated the pills no matter what.

They didn't only impact his day to day life, but also his ability and desire for sex.

And God, as his body recovered and he and Buck settled into their new normal, he really wanted to want to have sex.

Adjustments already had to be made do to the reduction of sensation he felt around his pelvis. Things got weaker and weaker from there, reduced to no feeling at all in his legs.

They'd had their quickie wedding at the courthouse in February, followed by a ceremony with family the next month, and started planning a honeymoon in the summer. And that's when Tommy decided he was going to cut back on some of his medications, and cut others out completely. He was not going to spend his honeymoon in a half daze, not caring whether or not his drop dead gorgeous husband was naked on top of him.

Buck had protested at first. He'd made it clear that sex didn't mean everything to him. The things they still did do were pretty damn great, and it wasn't worth Tommy being in pain.

But Tommy insisted.

So they'd met with his doctors and come up with a plan. He could go off the sleeping pills, taking them only when needed. They'd reduce the antidepressant in increments. And muscle relaxants could be used as needed as well.

For the most part, everything went fairly smoothly. His spasticity would rear its ugly head from time to time, but it wasn't anything unmanageable.

Until, one night, it was.

He should have known it was going to be a bad night. He'd been restless and uncomfortable all day long. He'd go from his wheelchair, to the couch, to the wheelchair, to the dining room chair, to the wheelchair, to the bed, then back to the wheelchair.

He'd tried wheeling around the neighborhood, usually enjoying using his arms to push himself around, but today he just felt stiff.

The muscle relaxants in the kitchen cabinet had been calling his name, but he'd resisted. Evan was coming off a forty-eight hour shift tonight, and he'd already texted Tommy a picture of himself all sweaty, no shirt on, telling him he was gonna get himself all cleaned up for Tommy.

And Tommy wanted nothing more than to give him everything he wanted, because he wanted it too. Which was a damn good feeling to have back.

He hoped that sex would help his body relax.

It didn't.

He'd gotten through it though, with a few little twinges of pain in his chest and back. Nothing too severe. And with Buck on top of him, his body flushed red, head tossed back and mouth hanging open, the pleasure overrode the pain.

It didn't get really bad until after Buck had fallen asleep. Tommy wasn't sure how long he laid there, trying to stay as still as possible so he didn't wake Evan.

Even as the pain started to radiate up his back, he clenched his teeth to keep himself from groaning.

Then it went to his chest, causing his breath to hitch. The spasm made his back arch off the bed. If it didn't hurt so bad, he would have made some sort of exorcist joke.

His hands gripped onto the fitted sheet and he could feel a vibration.

His legs were probably shaking. He couldn't feel it, but it always happened when he had these spasms, even the minor ones.

He couldn't hardly get a breath. Not while fighting to be quiet. Not while his back and chest felt like they were becoming harder than a rock.

Finally, he unclenched his jaw and let out a half-moan, half-gasp.

“Ev- Evan,” he huffed out, releasing his grip on the sheet to smack his hand down on the bed. Tommy couldn't quite reach out far enough to touch him. Not when everything was seizing up like this. “Evan!” he repeated, louder this time.

Even in his deep sleep, Buck must've realized something was wrong. One second he was dead to the world, and the next he was jumping up, tossing the covers off of them both.

“What? What's wrong?” he said, clumsily reaching over to the nightstand and turning on the lamp.

Tommy squeezed his eyes shut against the light. He didn't feel like seeing himself right now.

It took Buck's brain a few seconds to catch up to the sight in front of him. When he finally registered what was happening, he headed for the door. “I'm gonna get your meds.”

“No!” Tommy yelled, sucking in a breath. “D- Don't.”

“Tommy, you need your muscle relaxant.”

“I- I can't.” He managed to bring a hand to his throat, hoping Evan understood.

“You can't swallow right now,” Buck replied. It wasn't a question.

“Mhm. Just... Just-”

“Massage?” Buck guessed, getting to Tommy's side of the bed in record speed. “You think that would help this time?”

Figuring out the correct responses to these episodes was always a guessing game. Sometimes touch could make it worse. Tommy was pretty sure nothing could make it any worse right now.

“Mm... Mhm.” His jaw was getting so tight he could barely open his mouth.

“I'm gonna move you onto your side.” Very carefully, Buck turned Tommy's rigid body so he was facing away from him. It was an awkward angle, and he was having to do most of the work to keep Tommy on his side, but he managed to get into a position where he could start to dig the palm of his hand into Tommy's back.

At first, he was so tight Buck worried he was going to hurt him even more by massaging him. But, Tommy's breathing seemed to become a little fuller, and the groaning died down a bit.

So Buck continued. He'd alternate between using his palm, his fist, his thumb, to dig into the muscles and get them to loosen.

After a few minutes, Tommy had quieted down completely. His body relaxed into the bed as he flopped the rest of the way onto his stomach. The shaking in his legs subsided. He no longer felt like he was going to shatter into a million little pieces.

Still, Buck continued his massage. He worked up Tommy's neck, massaged his head, down to his shoulders, his back. He even massaged over his legs and feet, letting Tommy know what he was doing so he wouldn't think Buck had just left the room.

After about half an hour, Buck rested his hand at the center of Tommy's back. “Feel better?” he asked quietly, unsure if Tommy was even still awake at this point.

“Mhm. Thank you,” Tommy replied. He paused, blushing before starting to ask, “Did I... Do I need..?” He couldn't quite get the words out. Did I piss myself? Do I need to get up so we can change the sheets and clean me up?

It happened sometimes, when his body seized up. And while he nearly had full bladder control back, everything went haywire when it came to his spasms.

“No, you're good,” Buck answered, and Tommy thanked whoever might be listening that they were able to read each other's minds. “Think you can turn back over now?”

“Yeah. Yes, I- you'll have to help me though.”

“Of course.”

Once Tommy was resting comfortably on his back, head propped up under two pillows, Buck stared down at him. “You knew it was gonna happen today, didn't you?”

Tommy sighed. There was no point in lying. “Yeah. Not this bad though.”

“And you didn't take a pill earlier?”

“No.”

Buck sucked in a shaky breath as he nodded. He didn't answer. Didn't say a word. He simply turned and headed into the bathroom.

Tommy listened as he turned the sink on. It ran for a while, then Buck was back by his side. He ran a warm washcloth over Tommy's face, Tommy closing his eyes and melting into the touch.

Once Buck had finished wiping off his face, he started on his chest.

Tommy blinked his eyes back open, studying Buck.

He was tense, eyebrows knitted together as he focused on cleaning the sweat from Tommy's body.

Tommy's eyes drifted to Buck's hand, shaking ever so slightly.

He reached out and placed his hand over Buck's, gently gripping his wrist. Finally, Buck made eye contact with him.

“Please don't be mad,” Tommy said, knowing it was unfair even as he said it. Still, he hated to see Evan disappointed. Wasn't sure if he could handle it right now.

But as he looked further into Evan's eyes, he didn't see anger.

He saw fear, and sadness. Red-rimmed, wet with unshed tears that were threatening to spill over.

“M'not mad,” he replied, clearing his throat. “I- I'm upset. I don't like seeing you in pain, Tommy.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to be sorry. Just don't do it again. I can't... I can't enjoy being with you- having sex with you,” he clarified, “if I think you're hurting yourself for it.”

“I know, Evan. I just... I just wanted to be with you tonight. Wanted to feel good. Wanted to make you feel good.”

Buck tossed the rag onto the nightstand, sitting down on the bed beside Tommy. “You know what makes me feel good?” he started, resting two fingers under Tommy's chin so he couldn't look away. “Seeing you comfortable makes me feel good. Us enjoying dinner together makes me feel good. Going for a walk in the evening, watching movies, going out for ice cream, you holding me in your arms, getting to hold you in mine, kissing you for hours and hours. All those things, plus like a million more, make me feel good. Sex is fun, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it because damn you've got some moves,” he said, getting a smile out of Tommy, “but it's not everything to me. You are everything to me. I know we can't always prevent spasticity, but when we can, it would make me feel good if we did. Got it?”

Tommy nodded, giving himself a few seconds before verbally responding. “You can't just say stuff like that to me, you know,” he said, choked up. “I'm a softy now.”

Buck scoffed, rolling his eyes playfully. “You were always a softy,” he informed Tommy, leaning in for a kiss.

“I'm gonna go get your pills now, okay?”

“Okay.” Before Buck could get too far, Tommy reached out and grabbed at his hand. “Hey. Have I told you lately that I love you?”

Buck cocked his head, giving Tommy a glare. “If you start singing Rod Stewart to me, I will divorce you.”

“No, seriously, Baby,” Tommy said, keeping a straight face. “Have I told you there's no one else above you?”

“I already know a good attorney.”

“You fill my heart with gladness,” Tommy continued, grinning, “take away all my sadness.”

Buck wriggled his hand free of Tommy's grasp, heading out toward the kitchen. “If you hear the front door slam, I'll be back later for my things.”

Tommy's smile only widened as he yelled out, “You ease my troubles, that's what you do!”

[girlgenius1111]

I'll Make It Through The Winter If It Kills Me

putellas!reader stops taking her antidepressants because she doesn't think she needs them anymore, keeps it from alexia, but she eventually finds out. super angsty, but fluff follows. warnings: mentions of self harm.

-----

You weren't stupid; you didn't think you knew better than your doctor. You were just so tired of everything feeling so... dull. Feeling so empty, even when things were good. Even when they were bad. It felt like your emotions were in sight, but just out of reach. Like you could graze them with your fingertips, the sharp sting of anger, the thrill of excitement. No matter what you did, though, you couldn’t get your hands around them. You couldn’t make the feelings stay. You weren’t sure you’d know what normal felt like if it hit you across the face, and no matter what you told your doctor, she kept encouraging you to give the meds a longer chance. 

It wasn’t really intentional on your part, to stop taking them. It just…happened. You missed one day. And then another. And then it had been a week, and even though your head ached, and you had a bit of a hard time sleeping, you felt… better. Not great, not really even good, but better. More like yourself. 

That lasted another week, before suddenly, you were back where you started. The joy you’d rediscovered in living faded away, plunging you back into a cave of misery. It wasn’t numbed now, either. It was encapsulating, suffocating. You weren’t okay, not at all. You didn’t know what to do, though. You didn’t want to go back on the medication, and you knew you wouldn’t survive if you kept going like this. You told yourself that you just had to let your body get used to the lack of the medication, and once it adjusted, you’d feel normal again. You’d been high, and now you were low, and the next step had to be a middle ground. The trouble was keeping yourself going until you got there, as well as keeping your sister off your back.

You hadn’t meant to start hurting yourself again, either. It just happened, it was just the coping mechanism you turned to. It was just supposed to be temporary, until everything balanced out and you felt normal again. It kept going, though, you kept going. Until you had to be careful about changing in the locker room, and you couldn’t go a day without doing it. It was the only thing that made you feel, the only thing that made it better. You just needed time. That was it. Just time. 

-----

“Wake up pequeña, I am not going to come in here again.” Alexia said with a sigh, poking her head in your door to find you still very asleep in bed. You both knew she’d be back in 5 minutes, ready to drag you out by your ankles, but you grumbled a response and sat up. You’d only gotten to sleep a few hours ago; sleep had evaded you, even as you felt more exhausted than you’d ever been in your life. It was just an adjustment, you, told yourself. Everything would even out. 

“If I come in there and you’re still asleep, so help me,” Alexia shouted from the hall, before throwing your door open rather aggressively. You turned to look at her blankly, wrapped up in your duvet, sitting on the edge of the bed. Your sister paused, taking a closer look at your face. 

“Do you feel okay? Are you getting sick?” She asked, entering the room and pressing the back of her hand to your forehead. You shook her off, discarding the duvet behind you and moving with as much energy as you could muster over to your dresser. 

“No, just sleepy.” You answered shortly, and Alexia narrowed her eyes at you. 

“You look sick.” She argued, crossing her arms over her chest in a rather intimidating manner. 

“Thank you.” You replied sarcastically. “Now get out, you’re going to make me late.” 

Alexia scoffed indignantly, but walked to the door regardless. “I’M going to make you late. Me. You lay in bed till the last minute, and it’s MY fault.” She mumbled, shutting the door behind her a little harder than necessary. 

She wasn’t really that bothered, but she did dramatically complain about you to Olga once she reached the kitchen. Olga, however, didn’t quite share her exasperation with you and your inability to get up on time. Instead, she saw this as cause for concern: you hadn’t been this hard to wake up since before. When things were bad, and they didn’t know. Looking back, the signs were obvious, and Olga wasn’t about to miss them again. Or let her rather emotionally oblivious girlfriend do so either. 

“Ale. She’s been sleeping a lot recently, no?” Olga asked quietly, grabbing her girlfriend’s hand to get her attention. 

Alexia looked up from the coffee she was making for you, turning to the brunette in confusion. “I haven’t noticed. She’s hard to wake up sometimes, that’s all.” 

Olga restrained herself from rolling her eyes. Sometimes, she wondered if Alexia really was oblivious, or if she was just in denial. 

“Not like this. The last time she slept this much, she wasn’t doing well, remember?” 

Alexia turned back to your coffee, stirring absentmindedly, lost in thought. 

“You think she’s having a hard time?” She asked finally. 

Olga shrugged. “I’m not sure. She’s been acting a little off recently. It could be nothing though.”

“But it could be something?” Alexia replied. She was never so aware of her shortcomings as a sister than when Olga saw something she didn’t. That was the good thing about being with someone who was so different from her, though. Olga was there to make sure nothing slipped through the cracks with you, a role she’d taken on without a second thought when you moved in.

Olga didn’t have a chance to reply, because you made your way into the kitchen, reaching instantly for the coffee Alexia was making, one you knew was for you. Ale always got up a bit early to make her and Olga coffee, climbing back into bed and drinking it there. 

Alexia handed you the coffee silently, and if you noticed that her eyes lingered on you longer than normal, you didn’t say anything about it. 

-----

It wasn’t accidental that Alexia had the two of you sharing a room over the next away trip. Ever since her conversation with Olga, she’d been keeping a closer eye on you, and she wasn’t loving what she was seeing. Normally, she’d pawn you off on one of your younger teammates over away games, needing time with her friends, and knowing you needed time with yours. Now, though, her overprotective instincts were kicking in and she didn’t trust anyone but herself to keep an eye on you. 

Alexia noticed that you put on a good show, but when people weren’t looking… you looked so desperately sad that your sister longed to drag you away from the group by your ear and pry whatever the problem was out of you. She didn’t, though. Olga had given her a harsh warning before leaving, as did Alba, that you wouldn’t respond well to being cornered, to being forced to talk. You needed to come to her. So while Alexia kept you very close, she made an effort to remind you that she was there, whatever you needed. 

The first real, tangible, issue that Alexia figured out was that you weren’t sleeping. She’d passed out before you, as expected, but when she stirred a couple hours later to the sound of you sniffling quietly from your bed, she was immediately wide awake. 

You were so tired. Nothing you were trying was working, you just couldn’t sleep. It felt pathetic to be crying, but you were exhausted, you had a match tomorrow, and you just wanted your brain to turn off, even if it was only for a bit. You were trying to keep the volume down, though, because Alexia was famously a light sleeper, and her bed was only a few feet from yours. 

Your efforts proved unsuccessful when Alexia sat up in her bed, flicking the light on. She squinted over at you, finding you curled up on your side, furiously wiping at the tears on your face, horrified at being caught. 

You were expecting 20 questions from your sister. She liked to fix things, and this situation would definitely be something that worried her. Alexia surprised you though. 

Even though there were 20 questions on the tip of her tongue, she remembered both her girlfriend and her other sister’s warnings not to push you. Instead of pestering you like she wanted, she flicked the light back off, sliding out of her bed and gently nudging you over until she could slide onto the edge of yours. 

“Ale, what-?” 

“Shh.” Alexia whispered, scooching closer and cuddling up to you like she used to do when you were little, and wanted nothing more than her affection. If Alexia was feeling particularly nice, she’d let you curl up against her while the family watched a movie, or while she finished her homework. “You can’t sleep?” 

You wondered how she knew. Sometimes, Alexia could be completely dense when it came to your feelings. Other times, though, she was incredibly perceptive.  “No.” 

Your sister’s presence next to you, though, was already helping, and you felt your eyes drooping as you rested your head against her chest. 

“Do you want me to sing you a song?” Alexia teased. 

You appreciated that she wasn’t forcing a conversation now, more than you could articulate. 

“No, I think my ears bleeding would keep me up more.” You replied, laughing quietly when your sister huffed indignantly, shoving you away from her, before very quickly pulling you back into her arms.

“You like my singing, I’m a good singer.” She retorted, even as she tucked you back under her chin. “Really, nena, how can I help?” 

“Stop talking.” You murmured groggily, cuddling in closer to your sister. Alexia smiled against your head, but stopped talking, rather proud of herself for solving this problem for you, even if it was just temporarily. Even if it was just a symptom of a much bigger problem. 

You slept that night, without waking up, for the first time in a while. You tried not to let yourself think about the fact that if Alexia fixed this problem, she might be able to help you, just in general, if only you’d talk to her. 

-----

Alexia hadn’t meant to snoop. She’d done you a favor, picking up your new prescription, and she was just putting it on your nightstand. Was it possible that she opened the drawer and peeked at your old bottle? Maybe. She was glad she did it, though. Because she found it full. And everything suddenly made a lot more sense. 

-----

"Pequeña?"

"Yeah?"

"Why is this full?" Alexia asked calmly, holding up the little pill bottle and giving it a shake.

"That's- that's my new bottle." You replied, looking away from her accusatory stare.

Alexia shook her head. "No, this is your new bottle. I picked it up for you today." She held up a little bag from the pharmacy, and your stomach sank. Your sister would not like this, not at all. She wouldn't like you doing something so unhealthy, and she wouldn't like you lying about it. There was nothing you could say, she'd caught you.

"Nena, I asked you a question." Strict Alexia was making an appearance, and you kept your eyes locked on the ground in front of you. "Hey. Don't shut down on me. What's going on?" She walked closer, arms crossed over her chest.

"I stopped taking them." You said finally, looking up in time to see your sister sigh heavily, and run a hand over her suddenly very fatigued face.

"Why?"

"I just did." You told her.

"That's not good enough. This is why you've been so anxious recently? So depressed?"

You shrugged noncommittally. Alexia was silent for a minute, before her expression changed, face tightened. You knew what was coming before she asked.

"Roll up your shorts." It's given as a command, not as a request, and you backed up on instinct. "Nena,"

"No. I'm an adult, Alexia. I can make my own decisions."

Alexia regarded you carefully, her eyebrows pinched with concern. "Roll up your shorts, please. I won't ask again."

You hated when Alexia got like this. You knew she wasn't really as angry with you as she seemed, she was worried. It just felt so much like you were in trouble. Maybe because you knew you were doing something you shouldn't be. Alexia's worry always manifested as frustration, anger. Maybe because for her, she was angry with herself, for not seeing a problem sooner.

"Alexia, I said no." You turned away from her, stomping towards your room.

"Nena, come back." Alexia demanded, going after you when you didn't respond. She reached your door just as you shut it and locked it, and Alexia felt a spike of panic run through her. Your behavior over the past few weeks was beginning to make more sense and, honestly, she didn't know what headspace you were in, how deeply the lack of the medication was affecting you. If you were back to doing this, it could be bad. Alexia knew she wasn't the expert in helping you with this, but she did know that, right now, she was not comfortable with a locked door in between the two of you.

"Nena, open the door." She fiddled with the knob, even as it wouldn't budge. "I'm being serious, open the door. Now."

You weren't really hearing her. You were thinking about how disappointed she must be in you. She'd been horrified to find out that you'd been doing this to yourself the first time, almost a year ago now. She'd yelled, and you'd run out of the house, all the way to Mapi's. You'd sat on the terrace with Ingrid, talking about everything and nothing, while Mapi gave your sister a piece of her mind. You were sick, she'd told the blonde. You needed support. You weren't doing it for attention. Alexia needed to do better.

And she had. She'd apologized for yelling. She'd gone with you to every therapy appointment for two months, knowing how nervous they made you. She sat outside the room, answering emails or looking at her phone, just in case you needed her. She supported you, wholeheartedly, when you took a few weeks off from the team to focus on your mental health, as you got your medication figured out. You weren't good at communicating your needs to your sister, and she wasn't good at reading your mind, but somehow, it worked.

Repetitive pounding on the door broke you out of your thoughts, and you looked towards the door, half expecting to see your sister's fist emerging through the wood.

"Nena, open. Now, por favor." Alexia begged.

Your anger with yourself only grew. Your sister sounded close to tears and it was all your fault. All your fault. Shakily, you stood up from the bed and walked over to the door, unlocking it. Alexia practically fell into the room, head swiveling frantically as she looked for you. Your eyes dropped to the ground again, and you looked so small, so very shattered.

Alexia knocked the wind out of you a little with the force of her hug, squishing you into her arms and holding you tight against her chest. "You can't do that, you can't lock the door. Not right now, not when I don't know what's going on with you. Please, pequeña, I won't make you talk to me, just don't lock the door." She was pleading with you, and you'd never heard your normally very calm and collected sister so panicked. 

Maybe it was the pleading that got to you, or maybe you were just so tired of pretending to be okay. Either way, words you never thought you’d say out loud were spilling from your mouth before you could stop them. 

“I’m scared, Ale. I don’t have control anymore, I thought I did, but I don’t, and I’m scared. I’m so tired, I don’t think I can do this anymore. Please help me, I need you to help me,” you sobbed, the admission feeling both terrifying and relieving all at once. At least the responsibility wasn’t on you anymore. Alexia would take care of you, take care of this. 

“Okay, okay, nena. It’s all going to be okay. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. We’ll get you help, we’ll get you whatever you need. Whatever it takes. I love you so much, pequeña, we’ll get you better, I promise.” 

Alexia kept you wrapped up tight in her arms for a while, and it only reassured you more. As long as she had you, nothing would happen. She wouldn’t let anything happen. While your sister was around, you would be safe. Even if she was keeping you safe from yourself, she’d do it, no matter what. 

-----

me: you need to stop making everything have a part 2. just make a longer one shot. 

also me: let me know what you want to see in part 2 🙂🙂

[heathenarmyimagines]

Title: Happily Divorcing You

Summary: Ivar needs to track his wife and save his marriage.

Pairing: Not telling

Part One

Ivar had been in an absolute rage since (Y/N) left the house. The worst thing was that she had been in such a hurry to get away from him that she had left her phone on the charger, so he couldn’t even call her.

He couldn’t track her, all he could do was call his own private investigator and hope his outrageous price was enough to motivate the man to work hard and fast.

Even still, with every minute that passed his anger was growing. He paced in his bedroom restlessly as he waited for his phone to ring, but it was as silent as prayers.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Ivar nearly broke his neck, turning to (Y/N)’s phone as it chimed on the floor by the bed.

He picked it up and saw it wasn’t a phone call, but an alarm going off.

6:30AM Antidepressants for breakfast :(

Ivar read the name of the alarm five times before he turned it off, when he did he saw even more oddly named alarms that weren't turned on.

7:30AM Online Therapy

12:30AM Eat or you will starve

5:00PM Cook Ivar’s Dinner

7:00PM Throw Away Ivar’s Dinner

8:00PM Antidepressants for Dinner

10:00PM Burn Book Entry

What the hell was this, Ivar thought as he read them over again and again.

Antidepressants?

He ran to the master bathroom and opened (Y/N)’s medicine cabinet, sure enough there were prescription pill bottles. They were right in front, but Ivar had never noticed them before, he never paid attention before.

He took a picture of the bottles and sent them to his family’s private doctor and called the old man as well.

‘Yes, Master Ivar? Is there an emergency with your wife?’ the old doctor asked groggily.

‘What are these medications you have been giving (Y/N) behind my back, Floki?’ Ivar accused.

‘I didn’t do anything behind your back; I get paid to treat members of your family. It's not my fault you forgot to treat your wife like she was family now.’ Floki yawned on the other end.

‘Excuse me?’ Ivar asked, anger rising again.

‘Don’t act like I just told you fire is cold boy, you haven’t paid the poor girl a speck of attention. The fact that I’m only getting this call after all these years treating her is proof enough.’ Floki said bluntly.

Ivar’s ears were burning in shame and anger, the same way they did when he was a child getting scolded.

‘What are these medications?’ Ivar asked again.

‘Antidepressant, Mood stabilizer and an Appetite stimulant. Ivar, your wife has developed severe depression over the last two years, the first two she’s been taking for a while, they cause loss of appetite so the stimulants are new since she has been losing weight too rapidly recently.’ the doctor explained.

‘Why am I just hearing about this?’

‘I can only give information I’m asked for, why are you just now asking? Is (Y/N) well?’

Ivar bit his lip angrily before explaining he wanted his wife’s full medical history in his email at once.

Before Floki could reply Ivar ended the call and went back to looking at the pill bottles in wonder and disgust.

He had been given a summary of (Y/N)’s health before he’d chosen her to be his wife, and while he didn’t remember things like her date of birth, he would have recalled if she had been diagnosed before the wedding.

Was being married to him so horrible it impacted her health so severely?

Ivar picked up her phone again, taking in the lock screen, a picture of her and her parents on a balcony. She stood between them, arms over their shoulders and a wide smile across her face.

Her phone didn’t have a lock code so Ivar didn’t feel too bad when he sat on the bed and began snooping. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for really, but he was sure he’d find something of value.

Preferably, he’d find a clue about where she would go so late.

Ivar started with the messages and was surprised at how few conversations there were to see; she spoke mostly to her parents, and there were other short exchanges between his family members and staff.

He opened the messages between (Y/N) and her mother, they seemed to talk at least once a week.

Mom: Are you eating?

(Y/N): At least one full meal and a vitamin in the morning.

Mom: That isn’t enough, call me right now!

It was at that moment that Ivar realized that she could only have gone to her parents house a few blocks away.

He clicked on her conversation with himself and was disgusted by what he saw, of course these messages were on his own phone but he never looked at them like this. Like he was looking for a warning sign that (Y/N) wanted a divorce.

(Y/N): I made pasta, and I tried a new recipe this time.

Ivar: K

(Y/N): I left your plate in the fridge

Ivar: I have a dinner reservation with Maggie

(Y/N): I understand

Ivar: We have a Gala tomorrow, don’t embarrass me

(Y/N): I will wear what Margrethe sends me.

Ivar set the phone aside and rubbed his face tiredly.

Even to himself he sounded like a dick in those messages; ignoring her, demanding things of her, talking down to her. Ivar could remember typing these responses, just a quick few taps on his phone to convey a message while he walked around his office building. He never liked texting so he always kept things brief, but he usually put in an effort to be civil in messages.

Why hadn’t he taken the time to read these before he sent them, Ivar thought to himself; because he shouldn’t have to. (Y/N) was already his wife, there shouldn’t need to be discomfort, she should be able to understand him.

(Y/N) was the one keeping secrets and plotting to divorce him. He shouldn’t have to grab his keys and rush over to her parents’ house, but he does it all the same.

Ivar parked in their humble driveway and stared at the house in defiance.

Ivar quickly reminded himself who he was, a wealthy man picking up his wife after she threw a dramatic tantrum. He wasn’t here to apologize or explain himself, if anything (Y/N) should be the one explaining why she waited so long to inform him about her diagnosis.

She was the one keeping secrets in their marriage.

With that in mind he got out and approached the door to knock but it opened before he even made it to the porch.

‘You are not welcome here!’ his mother in law shouted as she stormed out into the night to meet him face to face.

She had fire in her eyes and her fists were balled as she advanced on him, making Ivar immediately freeze in place.

‘You sign those papers and you leave my girl the fuck alone, do you hear me Ragnarson?’ she said angrily, poking Ivar hard in the chest.

Ivar looked worse off than a deer in headlights, a more appropriate comparison would be a fish in a barrel.

Of course he hadn’t seen his in-laws since the rushed wedding, but this mad woman had looked happy enough to marry (Y/N) off to him then. So why is she giving him such a disgusted look now?

‘I-I came to pick up (Y/N).’ he managed to say.

‘Absolutely not! My daughter will not be going anywhere with you. She is going to stay here, her eyes shouldn’t land on you outside of a courthouse! Honestly, what were we thinking when we accepted your mother’s proposal?’ the woman scoffed.

‘Honey!’

This time it was his father in law coming out of the house, immediately taking the place beside his wife.

Ivar watched the older couple communicate silently, him sending her a look that made her take a deep breath.

‘Ivar, my wife has made our decision more than clear. Even still; I will apologize for her unprofessional language.’ Mr. (Y/L/N) said stiffly in a formal tone.

Unprofessional? These were his in-laws, sure it was attached to a business deal, but nonetheless these were supposed to be his extended family members. From what he’s heard from other men in the office, his mother in law was probably never going to like him; but he felt the formal tone wasn’t necessary.

‘(Y/D/N), I’m here to pick up my wife.’ Ivar said again, standing up straighter. If he was going to be spoken to like a random business partner then he’d return the courtesy.

‘I’m sorry, but you will not be doing that.’ the old man said firmly.

Ivar knew what this was, it was his favorite thing in the world.

A challenge.

Ivar knew what it was when he suddenly felt the power struggle between himself and (Y/N)’s father.

‘Won’t I? Sir?’ Ivar asked smugly.

‘You won’t. My daughter has already told us that she’s asking for a divorce, and quite frankly I believe it is about time.’ (Y/D/N) said plainly.

‘Past time, you’re lucky she stayed for as long as she did.’ the mother added in.

Ivar looked away for a split second, unable to face the righteous tone of his father in law, before he put his mask back up.

‘Excuse me? I’d hate to leave here alone and cancel all our existing contacts.’ Ivar challenged.

‘We had a very beneficial business partnership for a few years, but my daughter is more important. Cancel whatever you like, I can build another company.’

‘Leave the contracts.’

This time all three of them turned and saw (Y/N) coming out of the house. Her eyes were puffy from crying but they were hard, her expression stone solid as she looked at him in distaste.

‘(Y/N), we can start fresh with a new business; it’ll be even easier this time, you’ve done enough.’ (Y/M/N) pleaded with her daughter.

‘If we do that what did I waste the last four years for? I’ll be fine this time, I promise.’ (Y/N) said soothingly.

‘(Y/N)!’ the mother cried in desperation as she tried to physically pull her child back into the house.

‘Mom, don’t worry. I will come by sometime later this week.’ (Y/N) said, placing a kiss on her mother’s cheek.

She did the same to her father, Ivar could hear the old man offer to shut everything down now, and he heard her decline the offer.

When (Y/N) turned to face him she looked right through him, walking past him without speaking and getting into his car.

‘Ivar.’ (Y/F/N) said, regaining his attention.

‘Sign the papers, do her that one kindness.’ he advised.

‘She is my wife.’ Ivar said weakly.

‘I’ve seen wet shits make for a better husband than you, Ivar Ragnarson. If the world was fair she never would have ended up with scum like you, she would be home, healthy and happy.’ his mother in law said coldly before she stormed back into the house and slammed the door closed.

The sound of the door slamming echoed through the silent night, but Ivar kept his poker face firm as again his father in law faced him.

‘When I was your age, I knocked down any man who upset my wife. Lucky for you those days are in the past, but that is my daughter in your car. If she ever comes home the way she did tonight…there is not enough money in your bank to keep me at bay. Are we clear son?’

Ivar tilted his head.

‘Are you threatening me?’ Ivar asked partially in amusement, but mostly in pure disbelief.

‘I’m telling you as a father, there will be severe consequences if I see her in that state ever again. Are. We. Clear?’ the older man said, his tone even and his eyes wild.

Ivar felt the severity of the man’s words and he chose not to respond, silently walking to the car.

He held his breath until he heard the front door close behind him before he got into his car.

In the passenger seat (Y/N) sat in silence and she didn’t even seem to notice him sitting beside her.

‘Are you satisfied now that you put on your show? Made a big scene for your parents?’ Ivar began to scold as they were on the way back home.

‘Shut up Ivar.’

Ivar was lucky they were at a stop sign, he imagined he would have crashed had the car been moving when she said it.

‘What did you just say?’ he asked.

‘Shut up. You hate talking to me so just shut up, make it easy on us both.’ (Y/N) said, looking out her window in boredom.

‘Is it the medication you hide from me that’s making you think you can speak to me this way.’

This time she scoffed a little laugh.

‘Yes the pills I hid in the front of my cabinet, how ever did you discover my secrets?’ she said sarcastically.

‘Stop this.’ Ivar demanded.

‘The only thing I’m going to stop doing is wasting time trying to be a good wife to you. If you insist on keeping this sham marriage then fine; but I’m done participating in it.’ she said, never looking away from the window.

Her tone was so dry and dead it seemed to echo in the silence that followed it.

Ivar drove the rest of the way home in silence, watching her in his peripheral vision. (Y/N) didn’t move, she didn’t talk, she didn’t cry; Ivar was almost sure she didn’t even blink.

She just sat with her forehead against the passenger window and stared silently.

When he parked in their driveway she still sat still as stone.

‘Did you want to stay in the car all night, or are we finally going to sleep?’ Ivar asked in annoyance.

She didn’t reply to him at all, just opened the door and got out. Ivar followed behind her and watched as she lazily walked to the door and waited for him to unlock it.

Her eyes were focused on the sky, specifically the sun that was beginning to rise. She looked at it for as long as she could before she followed Ivar inside and he closed the door.

‘I never want to hear the word divorce come out of your mouth again. And tomorrow I will be taking you to Floki for a full check up.’ Ivar instructed as he at last took off his shoes.

‘Why? You think Floki gave me something that made me act out of line? Or are you actually worried about my health?’

‘Of course I’m-‘

Ring! Ring! Ring!

His phone rang shrilly, interrupting whatever he was trying to say; and eager for a way out of this uncomfortably vulnerable conversation, Ivar hurriedly answered.

He knew only one person would be bold enough to call him at this hour.

‘Maggie?’

Ivar turned away from (Y/N) to give his full focus on the phone call, the way he always did.

‘Ivar! Me and my friend got too drunk at the restaurant, can you pick us up?’ Margrethe said loudly on the other end, going in and out of a horrible singing voice as she spoke.

‘I’ll be there in thirty.’ he sighed tiredly, already begrudgingly going to put his shoes back on.

‘I’m going to drop off Maggie, we’ll talk in the morning.’ Ivar said over his shoulder as he went to leave, but he stopped when he didn’t get a reply.

When Ivar turned around all he saw was an empty foyer.

‘(Y/N).’ he called once more before he went upstairs to find her gathering the remains of her soggy forgotten salad.

She went to walk past him to presumably throw out the trash but Ivar stopped her by grabbing her arm.

‘I’ll be back soon, we’ll talk more in the morning.’ he announced.

‘No we won’t, something will happen with your favorite “family friend” and you won’t show up. I don’t know what yet, could be a stomach virus that needs hospital treatment, or an urgent meeting she forgets to reschedule; whatever it is doesn’t matter.’ (Y/N) dismissed with audible certainty.

He let go of her arm just to run his hands down his face.

‘Why do you always insist on bringing Margrethe up? This, our marriage, has nothing to do with her.’ he said, this time preparing for whatever argument she had.

‘Have you ever told her that?’

Ivar was stunned into silence by the question.

(Y/N) pulled her arm out of his grasp and continued on her way to the kitchen to throw away her salad.

Ivar followed her and he saw her roll her eyes in annoyance when she saw him behind her.

‘Why are you even still here right now, Ivar? Don’t you have a damsel in distress to save?’ she asked as she began to clean her dirty dishes.

Ivar felt a rush of undignified anger wash over him, he had to bite back a sharp response to keep his anger in check. Before he could reply he felt his phone ring again in his pocket.

‘Tick tock Ivar, I’ll be sleeping in the guest room when you get back; and don’t pester me today. I’m sleeping in until the bed makes me sore, then I’m going out with my family for lunch, and my sister is taking me out clubbing.’ she said as she placed her bowl and fork in the drying rack.

‘Clubbing? Where?’ Ivar asked, he had never heard his wife even mention going anywhere other than the store.

‘Not telling you.’ she dismissed.

Again Ivar’s phone rang rudely before he could speak and it was all starting to annoy him, he couldn’t even have this important conversation right now.

‘We’re going to talk about this when I get back.’ he said firmly before he went to leave, but he heard her mumble to herself before he made it out of the kitchen.

‘We won’t.’

[orphicdreamers-wp]

It’s Not Christmas Without You— Quinn Hughes

Summary: Your seasonal depression gets the best of your relationship leading to an awkward Christmas

Content Warnings: Seasonal depression, panic & anxiety attacks, use of antidepressants, ocd, chemical imbalance, angsty hughes brothers

Pairing; Ex Gf! Reader x Quinn Hughes

September

You had never quite understood why your brain felt so hardwired to the point you couldn’t comprehend anything happening around you. It affected everything you did, but no one could put their finger on why sometimes things got to be much for you it brought you to tears. For the most part, your boyfriend Quinn tried to help you but when the weather in Vancouver shifted just as he’d been named captain. He just couldn’t do it anymore, he tried but it was draining him.

You sat cross legged in the center of Quinn’s living room, reorganizing his CD collection for the third time this week. Quinn sighed as he entered his apartment, coming home from a rough roadie, all he wanted was to take a scorching shower and talk to you while you guys laid in his bed watching a cheesy movie. He didn’t utter a word as he walked past to his room and dropped his stuff off before returning to his living room and letting out a sigh, “The CDS haven’t magically moved since Tuesday dollface.”

You ignored your boyfriend, again. Quinn blew out a breath he’d been holding in for god knows how long, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” He expected you to protest against him trying to break up with him, but you didn’t. Which somehow made Quinn more upset at the entire ordeal, “So your fine with just throwing away the last 6 years?” You kept quiet, knowing that if you dared to speak you would say something that you and Quinn couldn’t come back from. So you stayed silent as you stood up and slipped on your shoes and grabbed your coat and walked out of Quinn’s apartment and his life.

You returned to your shared loft with your friend Tess and finally let your composure fall. A wretched sob ripped through your chest as you leaned against the door and slid to sit against the wall. Tess hurried out of her bedroom and was at your side in seconds, “Oh honey. It’s okay.” You felt like someone was wrapping barbed wire around your throat, “I can’t, I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Something isn’t right Tess.” Your breathing began to quicken as your chest tightened. Tess rubbed your back reassuringly, “I got you.” You closed your eyes and focused on your breathing. Once you were calm you turned to Tess, “Quinn and I broke up. I think I need to go home and get help.” And that was exactly what you did.

You went back to Toronto and moved back into your childhood bedroom, went to a neurologist and found out that your brain had an insufficient amount of neurotransmitters which could play part in your moods. The doctor told you that you needed to boost your serotonin and dopamine levels and prescribed you antidepressants and referred you to a women’s mental health clinic. You noticed slowly that your mood became less negative and you were able to focus better. But you also noticed that you began to get thinner and no matter what you did it never seemed like you gained weight.

December

You were reluctant to go to the Hughes Christmas dinner, although Ellen had reassured you that you were more than welcome. You still had your bad days and didn’t know if being around Quinn would make you snap and you didn’t want to snap at him. So you told your mother you’d think about it but that she should go. Which she did. You mother and Ellen were in grossed in a conversation over linens when Luke finally mentioned you, “So I guess she really doesn’t have anything to say to you Quinn. She would never miss out on Dad’s meatballs.” Quinn shot his brother a glare as your mother spoke softly, “She’s just having a hard time right now, her meds are messing with her.” Ellen smiled solemnly, “How is she adjusting to her antidepressants?”

Quinn looked taken aback learning your on antidepressants now, “Is she okay?” Your mom smiled as she lifted her wine glass to her lips, “Her doctor told her she doesn’t have sufficient neurotransmitters and it’s a chemical imbalance in her brain that’s made her feel like this all these years. The doctor said there’s a good chance coupled with the harsh weather and seasonal depression that’s what made her feel so poorly. Nothing you could have done would have helped Quinn.” Jack rolled his eyes subtly, “So because she’s mentally not okay, we’re supposed to be fine with her destroying Quinn?” Ellen glared at her middle child, “Jack! If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say sit.��

You stared at the stack of wrapped gifts you had gotten for each member of the Hughes family. You sighed as you slid off the couch and pulled on a dark red sweater and some jeans and took the gifts to your car and made your way to the Hughes family home. You were unsure of what would happen when you walked in but you were facing your fears today. You rang the doorbell, not expecting Quinn to be on the other side of the door.

His eyes held an unreadable expression that you had grown to miss. You were almost positive that you had lost your voice when he spoke, “Hey.” You smiled, “Hi, you look uh great.” Quinn rubbed his neck as a deep blush rolled over his cheeks, “Thanks. You do too.” He took some of the gifts as you I walked inside the house and placed your gifts with the rest of the gifts under the tree. You slipped your coat off and hung it in the closet with the others. Quinn frowned ever so slightly when he took note of how the jeans that had once hugged your body in all the right places were loose on you and how you looked at him like you might break if you looked at him long enough.

Ellen’s voice rang out from the dining room, “Who was it honey?” You smiled warmly as you entered the dining room behind Quinn, “Hi.” Ellen’s eyes glimmered with excitement as she hopped up and pulled you into a bone crushing hug, “We’re so glad you could make it after all. Right guys?” The Hughes men muttered out agreements. You sat down at the only empty seat which, as the universe was punishing you, was directly across from Jack with Quinn sitting beside you. Conversation flowed between you and everyone besides Jack and Quinn.

Jack spoke up in condescending tone, “So Y/N what have you been up to since you and Quinn broke up?” Jack let out a groan as Quinn swiftly kicked him underneath the table. You felt your smile drop, “I moved back home like 3 days after. I’ve been getting a lot of help. Working on understanding my feelings.” Jack hummed, “Seeing anyone? You sure are slimming down.” You tensed as you drew in a deep breath, “Nope. Wouldn’t be fair to a poor guy. I’m still in love with someone and I’m not sure relationships are for me. But can we just talk about your game against the Red Wings? I mean I was on my seat the entire time.”

Jack’s smirk fell, “You still watch my games?” You shrugged, “I watched Trev kick your ass. I also watched Quinn hand the Sharks the biggest loss. I didn’t stop watching hockey because I got broken up with.” You melted into Quinn’s touch as he placed a hand on your thigh. He mouthed inaudibly, ‘Thank you’ Dinner ended and Ellen insisted on going straight to presents. You smiled warmly as Jack and Luke opened their gifts from you. You You played more into a joke with Jack. It was a shirt that read ‘Straight Outta The Penalty Box.’ Jack’s gift sent his brother’s into laughter while Jack sent you a playful eye roll, “Now I know she actually watches my games still.” Luke’s gift seemed to be more fitting for him, he opened the box and ran his fingers over the soft tie that was adorned with red hockey sticks, “Thank you.” You smiled as Quinn picked up his gift from you, “I didn’t know what to get you so with my luck you’ll probably hate it.”

Quinn opened the box and his eyes softened as he looked at the gift, “You remembered. Why would I hate this?” He pulled out the large cooling weighted blanket. You barely remembered him mentioning wanting one. Apparently your subconscious remembered. Quinn’s eyes softened as you began to tidy up the wrapping paper as everyone continued to open gifts.

Without being noticed Quinn slipped into his childhood bedroom and opened his bag and pulled out a small gift wrapped box. He slipped it into his pocket and returned to the living room. His eyes immediately were on you as you clasped a necklace around his mother’s neck. Soon enough all the gifts were opened and Quinn spoke warmly, “I actually have a gift for you Y/N.” Your eyes widened, “O-okay.” Quinn slipped the small box from his pocket and placed it in your hand. By the size alone you knew it was jewelry of some sort.

You opened the box and your eyes widened and swelled with tears, “You can’t. Not with how horrible I was to you.” Quinn shook his head, “No I can. I have loved you since I have known you. I don’t care if your going through the worst thing possible. I love you and I just wanna be there for you no matter what. For the rest of my life. I want to be your husband. Marry me.” Your eyes welled, “I don’t know if I can give you the life you want Quinn.” Quinn shook his head as he pulled you closer to him, which you didn’t think was humanly possible, “The life I want is waking up to you pressing your ice cold feet to my legs to warm them up, the life I want is holding your purse so you can stop and pet every stray cat you see. The life I want is anytime and everything as long as you are there. You are the one good thing in my life.” You sniffled, “Fine I’ll marry you.”

[thequeenofcupps]

!! ⊹ ࣪Hazard dating hc's⊹ ࣪ ˖ !!

A/N: @yourpalrowan requested this!

 I FINALLYYYY got my grubby little hands on a laptop I’m so sorry this took fucking forever to come out 😭

Warnings: phantom pains, depression(?), struggling with stuff, angst, fluff, swearing(?), the phreaks teasing the hell out of hazard, slight oblivious reader, girl boss pussy queen hazard, gentleman!hazard, mention of taking pills

⚠︎︎ Hazard first met you through Suzie, Suzie and the gang were at the same bar they usually go to, she first met you when she went to go grab something for the gang and after you and her started talking and hanging out you and her immediately clicked, after all the hangouts and bff dates she decided to take you to go meet the rest of the phreaks.

When Suzie first brought you to the Phreak’s place, they were all wary of you thinking you were a spy of sorts, but after Suzie started bringing you back more and more you started a friendship with all of them.

Hazard, however started to develop a huge crush on you, everytime you came he’d look at you with love in his eyes which the Phreaks saw besides you, cue them teasing the fuck out of him and them pushing him to confront you about his feelings, as to which he did :D

⚠︎︎ He first took you out on a date to a punk bar which during that date thought was a bad idea after both of you witnessed a fucking fight so he just took you out to go eat at a local diner 😭 

After the both of you got done it started raining and him being an absolute gentleman used his jacket as an umbrella for the both of you <3

⚠︎︎ after a couple dates you and haz decided to make it official and also decided to tell the Phreaks, after you told them they started fucking CHEERINGGG for you and him (mainly for him), when Revel and Jackdaw were talking to haz Boomslang, Touch-up and Suzie pulled you to the side to congratulate  you which left you confused cuz they’re acting like you and haz got married but still you were grateful for them

⚠︎︎ Hazard likes to play his guitar for you when the 2 of you are alone and you like to sing while he does play, hell even he’ll join you

⚠︎︎ sometimes he gets phantom pains really fucking badly that if there’s a mission they had planned for they need to push it back for him to have a rest day, but after you met him, he begrudgingly agrees for you to help him, but after you help him his ass is in HEAVEN

⚠︎︎ he loves seeing hang out with his friends and with maisie, even if you aren’t a big dog person, you like playing with her, and if you ARE a dog person that’s even better for you and Haz <3

⚠︎︎ on the term of you not being a dog person Hazard will take you out on a date to like a cat cafe or another animal cafe and you and him WILL be having a blast at those cafes, like he’s a sucker for raccoon cafes, otter cafes, cats cafes and dog cafes (you decided to take him out to a dog cafe against even if you don’t like dogs)

⚠︎︎ also on relaxing days with the him you guys like going to small businesses or like the farmers market for funsies, I picture him supporting small businesses in his free time because he likes seeing more art and trinkets made with love instead of the same ideas bigger companies make

⚠︎︎ he has depression, I think we all know that after everything that had happened to him, he takes antidepressants to help but sometimes when somethings wrong he’ll look for you, lay his head on your thighs and take about what's going on with him, and you’ll just listen to him quietly and sometimes you’’ll reassure him otherwise, he’ll also sometimes forget to take his antidepressants so you’ll like text him or tell him “remember to take your pills love <3”

⚠︎︎  have you guys seen that spray of hazard of him curling a weight? Yeah he’s hella strong man, like he everytime he sees you he’ll pick you up and spin you around like you’re a pretty princess :>, you like “helping” him do situps but in reality you just sit on his lap and everytime he sits you kiss him, he really loves it when you do that, if your short he’ll like put you on his shoulders and it doesn’t matter how much you weigh he does NOT give a flying fuck cuz he loves you so much.

⚠︎︎ he looks at you with so much love, like I said it doesn’t matter how much you weigh, or how you looks he loves you all the same

⚠︎︎ either boomslang or Touch-up are his wingwomen and Suzie’s yours.

I just felt like putting that out there

⚠︎︎ he likes it when you express yourself with clothes, art, poetry and more, he likes that you’re yourself without anyone telling you who or what to be, he thinks its so punk

A/N: I  feel SOOO bad about taking 5 thousand years to fucking make this, but I hope you enjoyed and thank you so much for requesting!